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  • Brian Maxwell

Day 48: Galactic Con Man


“We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from Naboo, and we have it under control. It’s going to be just fine.” Despite his confident words, Jabba's speech was less than comforting. "One day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.” Against the advice of his highest medical council, he continued, making matters worse. The people of Tatooine knew something wasn't right, but their worst fears were yet to come.


Welcome back for another Star Wars Sunday, my thirsty readers. Things are still seeming a bit bleak at the moment. I'm sure everyone is pretty stressed out with the constant uncertainty, so I thought we could have a little fun, with a not-so-little drink. Made to serve two, or one very thirsty and dedicated home bartender, this one follows another story long ago, in a galaxy far far away.


On the sparsely inhabited planet of Tatooine, the people of the Outer Rim had become fed-up with how things were going. Gone were the days, when Jawa would roam the deserts, using every resource they could, without fear of persecution. The planet's population exploded and boomed, after settlers came in search of mining deposits, leaving little for the Jawas to use for survival. They stripped the land, soon ripping every usable scrap from the plant's fine silicate surface. This continued until Tatooine, the once great center for mining and industry, was left behind.


After mining opportunities on other planets left Tatooine desolate, many settlers couldn't make the adjustment to a new way or life, and they blamed the Jawas. Though the planet wasn't originally their own, they felt entitled to all it had. With many unwilling to find new ways to flourish, the settlers were divided. It was at this time the despicable crime organization, known as the Hutt Clan, saw an opportunity, and they decided to strike.


Pandering to the settlers of Tatooine, Jabba the Hutt set forth to take control of the planet. Really nothing more than a con man and gangster, Jabba saw taking office and ruling to be the best strategy for total financial control of the planet's remaining resources. His strategy for winning over the settlers was to use their hate. Blame the Jawas for everything wrong! Make Tatooine great again!


He stood before the people, making elaborate proclamations. "I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make the Jawas pay for that wall. Mark my words." He even boasted the support of the Empire, further pointing the finger of blame at the Jawa-sympathizing Rebel Alliance. Little did he know, the Empire was simply using him as a pawn to get what they wanted.


Despite being a slobbering pig of a creature, the settlers of Tatooine believed every word he said. No matter how despicable his words, they all seemed to fall in line. What was even worse, was his attitude towards other planets, other species, and the opposite sex. "You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re the great Jabba, they let you do it. You can do anything….Grab them by their tails. You can do anything."


Taking office over the entire desert planet, Jabba thought it would be easy, but he soon found out being a galactic con man was very different from being responsible for the lives of so many. Several years in, a terrifying disease spread into the outer rim from the nearby planet of Naboo. Initially, Jabba didn't take any of this seriously, despite being warned by the brightest minds in the galaxy. Tatooine needed to shut down, forcing most of the planet's settlers indoors, away from the spread of disease.


With so many industries collapsing around him, Jabba began to acknowledge the Nabbo Virus, reassuring everyone how it's not very serious. “Some people will have this at a very light level and won’t even go to a doctor or hospital, and they’ll get better. There are many people like that.” Every doctor around him pleaded and begged for him to stop giving out false hope and misinformation, but all Jabba cared about was money, and the financial potential of Tatooine's last remaining resources.


“Tatooine will again, and soon, be open for business — very soon — a lot sooner than three or four months that somebody was suggesting. ... We cannot let the cure be worse than the problem itself.” Jabba continued to babble on, encouraging the settlers to become more and more restless. His initial responses to the outbreak fueled their ignorance. He compared it to the common Tatooine Flu, but it was obvious how very different the Naboo Virus had become.


"Tatooine is the most prepared planet in the galaxy," Jabba slobbered out, while the planet went up in flames. The rest of the Outer Rim had long criticized the primitive methods of Tatooine, while the planet ignorantly boasted themselves the land of great resources, the "greatest." The desert planet settlers of Tatooine had forgotten their families had come from elsewhere, and they were themselves merely guests on Tatooine.


Jabba, with complete disregard for those suffering, even suggested methods of treatment absurdly archaic, even by Tatooine standards. He heard about the use of the deadly chemical trichloroheptane being used to sanitize ships, and all logic went out the window. "And then I see the trichloroheptane, where it knocks it out in one minute. And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning, because you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs, so it’d be interesting to check that."


On a planet boasting "greatness," the ones most affected and suffering ended up being the Jawas, who only wanted to exist on their home planet in the first place. We wonder if the planet of Tatooine will even survive. Will somebody stop the tyranical reign of Jabba, or will the Outer Rim lose the birthplace of one of the greatest Jedi masters of all time? I believe that's a story for another day.


Galactic Con Man

2oz Aged Barbados Rum

2oz Lightly-Aged Jamaican Rum

1oz Amaro Averna

1oz Falernum

1oz Vanilla Syrup

1oz Fassionola

.75oz Lemon Juice

.75oz Lime Juice


Large Tiki Mug for 2

Whip shake or spindle mix with 2 cups of crushed ice.

Pour unstrained.

Top with crushed ice.

Garnish with lemon peel toupee, red straw over-sized tie, and parasol.


*Feel free to make adjustments on acids and sweeteners, as I know some house made syrups can have higher sugar contents than others.*

All joking aside friends, we are living in very terrifying times. We need to band together, lifting each other up, setting aside whatever silly quarrels we had before. We are Tatooine, and we deserve better than some galactic con man. Stay safe, stay home, and keep shaking.

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