Dec. 18 Elves of the Caribbean


"Hold fast, and set a course for the North Pole!" Santa was determined to make it back with his plunder. The old chap wasn't moving as fast these days, but luckily he had the best help on the planet. Armed with cunning instincts and quick, nimble bodies, his band of thieving elves left no stone unturned. They emptied the warehouse, and off they were in their sleigh. "This deserves a toast," cheered one of the elves, for he had grabbed a bottle of Scotch from one of the offices, the door marked "Bezos." It was a pirate's life indeed for this band of merry-makers.


Ahoy my thirsty readers! Have any of you given much thought to how we're supposed to explain Santa, as technology keeps making the idea of "elves making toys" a bit harder to believe? I ask this to you, because I've been running into these questions myself. It's easy to convince a child some elf made a doll, but how are you supposed to explain an IPad? Let me propose a new theory.

Imagine, if you will, an entirely different narrative than the one we were fed as children. Imagine a narrative where Santa and his elves no longer build toys for the children of the world. Imagine a world where they steal them, only to distribute them to the good boys and girls around the globe.


Now hear me out. I'm not saying Santa and the elves would necessarily be a band of "murderous rouges." Think of them more like a Christmas Robin hood and his merry men. With corporate greed at an all time high, the Amazon's of the world could bear to have a few gifts go missing here and there. Why not have them taken by Santa?


Every night, leading up to Christmas, Santa and his pint-sized crew load up the sleigh with the Christmas wishes of children, young and old. We could tell the tale of how Old Saint Nick fought against capitalism and corporate greed. That sounds like a much better tale around the fireplace than a guy who slaves away with thousands of elves for nothing but milk and cookies.


Just like the pirates of old, Santa and his elves would obviously need a little something for themselves. This operation needs some funding afterall. Taking what they need, this crew of arctic plunderers might fancy a nip of spirit from time to time. Taking cues from their pirate forefathers, they're likely to drink whatever they find. A bottle of scotch, maybe some vermouth from all those corporate cocktail parties, all rounded out with some lovely rhum of course.


Elves of the Caribbean

1oz Blended Scotch

.75oz Aged Rhum Agricole

1oz Blanc Vermouth

.25oz Allspice Dram

.25oz Ginger Syrup

.5oz Orgeat

.75oz Lemon Juice

2 dashes Angostura Bitters


Tall Collins or Zombie Glass

Whip shake and pour unstrained.

Top with crushed ice.

Garnish with mint, orchid, powdered sugar, and grated cinnamon.


*I originally conceived this idea of blending scotch with agricole in this drink as a blending of generations. R(h)um may be front and center these days, but I always think about the older generation around the holidays, sipping on their scotch.*




This might sound like a fun, cute, possibly disturbing idea, but I'm trying to illustrate a very real issue, which only becomes compounded during the holidays. Small, privately-owned businesses are on the verge of extinction. This pandemic was tailor made for the big corporations which make shopping from home so simple and convenient. If you have the ability, please try and support the little guy this Christmas. That single gift you order online might not seem like much to you, but it could be the difference of keeping the lights on for some. Think about where your dollars are going this year my friends, give the extra effort, and keep shaking.


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